On My Funeral

 On my funeral day, everyone who comes to the funeral hall has to be sufficiently happy. I would not want anyone who I once adored cry out surrounding with sever sorrow because of the vacancy of my presence. I would not want every people who were just slightly related to me come to my funeral but rather, I would be really happy just to see the faces who I loved sincerely through my entire life. There must be some of my best friends who shared lots of moments of both ecstasy and burning tears. 
There must be my
beloved parents if they are still alive and if at that time I had my own family, there must be my sweet sweet husband and my proud children. Actually, I believe those people are enough for my funeral. I cast one question. If I look down on my funeral day, what would be the most blissful scenery? I could answer to the question immediately- watching those people, who I would forever love and remember having pleasure and memorable time eating delicious food, sharing joyful moments and thoughts (sometimes about me), laughing with each other without any affectation and fully enjoy the moment by acknowledging the fact that between the past, present and the future, the very present moment is the most valuable time which will never return. The mood should be bright as possible and in the open place of the funeral hall, no one should show their tears. I would want to have some small private rooms in my funeral where each individual could cry out enough and express their own feelings. Therefore, since I don’t want the mood to be gloomy, I would want to put some music lists that I really enjoyed listening during my life which are mostly bright. I hope my funeral would take place no in the ordinary funeral hall but at the church. Not only because I am a Christian, just because to remember myself and the times when I went to church praying for various situations and moments. I don’t want my funeral to be grandiose but I want my friends and families could enjoy the moment and talk about me only with all of their sincerities. Thus, not only because I love beautiful flowers, I want to put lots of flowers especially red and peach colored Chrysanthemum, which stands for lasting love and the color peach stands for happiness and sincerity. For the part eulogy, I would want to write each individual letters for the people once I loved with all my heart and save one long letter which I didn’t write for the individual letters. I would like my loving partner to read my eulogy in front of all the people who came to my funeral since he must be the closest buddy during my lifetime. At the end of my eulogy, I really want to emphasize the importance of the present moments whether it is sad or happy, and the importance of the presence of every people around us. I would want my funeral full of happy laughs so that i could hear and capture those lovely sounds above heaven. 

Back to Being Thankful

Back to Being Thankful

 Every morning, I woke up with the sound of buzzing alarm songs. As I dragged myself out of the bed with my closed eyes, I wondered what if I had 3 more minutes to sleep in the bed. With my roommates, we went out for a morning exercise, feeling the breeze passing through us. Then, I wondered again, what if there was neither breeze nor wind that could wake us up in the morning. After jogging the long course in school, we headed to the cafeteria to have some breakfast. As we sat together to have our breakfast, we started to chat actively about lots of things such as: how awful and dreadful to take calculus class on 5^th period, how handsome 박서준(Korean actor) is, how much I hope to pass the swimming test and etc.

 I believe there are lots of benefits of being grateful. Being grateful helps me to be in the present by noticing what I have and stopping to acknowledge it. This can be the community of a person, having food, or even being able to see. Also being grateful has the power to change my mood almost instantly from negative to positive. Good feelings and positive energy arise when I start acknowledging what I am grateful for.

 I heard that the first seventeen seconds of any thoughts are the most powerful, and they create enough energy to start attracting what I am thinking of into my life. I can see the importance of being grateful when I realize that I can use thankful feelings to achieve what I desire. Even if I am feeling negative when I start looking at what I am grateful for, all of my negative emotions run away. I can make being grateful one of my positive habits as I understand the importance of being grateful. I can also choose to write a list of at least ten things I am grateful for at the end of my day. This will put me in a good mood before going to sleep and will help me to welcome the next day with an open and grateful attitude. I remembered one saying by Oprah Winfrey "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."

 Acknowledging the importance of trivial daily things, I went to my comfy bed and stared out of the windows. Lots of sparkling stars were shining in the field of darkness. I wondered again ‘What if those stars didn’t even exist? Or What if those stars disappear at once and I lose the only hopes and comforts when my heart got heavy with no reasons?’ My roommates and I then turned off the lights and whispered each other’s good nights and fell into each dream. I closed my eyes, smiling and my heart was abounding with happiness, being grateful that I always had such precious friends beside me.

metafiction: The Beauty of living

                                

 I am a psychopath. I can’t feel a thing, can’t remember a thing after I got a car accident. When I wake up in the morning, I can’t remember what happened at the previous day. I am also a quite impulsive person who hate interacting with other people than myself. My favorite time is when I am alone in my house, dark, listening to rain drops, thinking how pathetic and miserable my life is. That is me, a pathetic old man Tim Barry.

Today, as always, I wake up with raging agony. Every time I look at my face, reflected in the fogged mirror, there’s a deep sorrow between those wrinkles in my forehead. My house, my old best friend, is full of shadowed grief within gray silence. No one finds us, wants us, knows our existence. ‘It’s just you and me, there’s no one else. That’s what I’ve always wanted…nothing else..!!’. I really like the dead silence which warms and comforts my mind. After I had the accident, I was thrown alone in this colossal confusing world with overflowing horror. Each day, I spent each second with a penetrating fear. Every people who passed near me were all new faces, not knowing where to go, I wondered and wandered. Every night was filled with my bursting tears. But, on one day, the burning tears stopped, such heartaches disappeared carrying all of my emotions. I got used to be stuck in loneliness, getting no fear to other creatures, the people, such annoying creatures.

“Knock, knock…!!!! Is someone there?”

‘Uhh….it must be the mail man again’ I thought.

“Just live the mail in front of the door!!!”.

“No, I am looking for Mr. Barry. There’s something important to give to Mr. Barry. I also have some questions for him.”

“I am the one who you are looking for and I’m busy right now. Come again next time..”

“Then!! Please just let me give this to you.” Her trembling voices showed how desperate she was. I opened the door unwillingly with an obtrusive frown in my forehead. “What!!!” I said. The women was standing in front of the door with a sweet smile, looked very excited to meet me. She seemed to be knowing me, but since the accident, I couldn’t remember a thing. She suddenly handed me a shabby letter, hugged me with tears and then left with the word ”I am so glad you are living well Tim. I am sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I had to see you. Bye”. I was stunned and closed the door, sitting in the chair. An ant climbed up the desk wandering busy, just like if it was looking for someone. I killed him slowly with my fingertips. Even though I was looking at the ant struggling with pain, I couldn’t feel any sorrow nor sympathy. I was proud of myself not feeling anything. I used to check myself, my present condition by killing the ants. Since I checked myself that I am normal, I decided to open the letter and read it just for curiosity then throw it away. The letter started like this:

‘Dear Tim,

This is Therese. Therese from Deep Cove, that little town with Cherry blossoms and apple trees if you remember. That town where nothing happens, and nothing really changes. I hear you were faring quite well in the city, almost too well- your mama was worried that you might never come back. I know that you might not remember me. If I were to tell you one thing about me, something to renew the colors in your memory, we had fond memories here and there.’

‘Wait, Why am I reading this…I don’t even know who Therese is and I don’t care who she is…’ I closed the letter and tried to get rid of it. But, the very moment I was going to toss it, the slight image of the women who gave this letter flashed in my eyes, evoking my feelings. I was disgusted by the feeling. I put myself in the box echoing 'be emotionless, be emotionless, be emotionless....'.

 

I reopened the shitty letter and continued reading.

‘Remember? You sneaked me, Jack and Casey out to the city once, to watch that motion picture in town. I still remember the dazzling city lights, cars whooshing by, and girls and boys in absolutely stunning dresses and suits walking hand in hand. And that sound of trumpets rising to a crescendo, and the beats of the drums marching with elegance and gravity as the lights went down- these things I will never forget. I swear with all my heart, that I have never forgotten that day. I dare did not. That day seemed to have taken complete hold of me with all its sheer brilliance and beauty. Even now, as I'm writing this to you I can see the glittering lights.’

My head started to become dizzy, feeling weird. I kept reading:

‘I'm on the train to get to the city. I couldn't help myself. I just had to write this letter to you, again…. Out of the window, I see these beautiful butterflies we used to catch up the hills. I smell the breezes that we used to smell lying in the grasses, eating cherries. I can see the memories and the promises we swore to keep. Last December, do you remember?
My life doesn't have any sparkles you breathed into my life. I can't inhale it anymore, no more than the lingering that you left inside me. I question every day: why is my life no longer sweet and cheerful without you? Perhaps the town life is too static and unchanging for me. Perhaps I'm too exhausted to wait for inspiration and dreams. Perhaps, I miss you too much than I can bear. I couldn’t understand why you left me but I know now. You didn’t want to hurt me but guess what? I still really love you and I won’t stop trying to make you remember. As I promised I will never leave you and every day I will always give you my letters to make you remember cause you are my new dream. I will come again tomorrow. With lots of love, Therese.’

 The letter I was reading was already all wet by my bursting tears. My heart was ripping with unbearable pain. The every moment, every second I had, passed through my head making me scream from sufferings. I remembered all the beautiful moments that I had with her, the moment we were holding hands promising each pink(bright) futures. I suddenly stood up and ran to the attic with tears, finding a box. I found the box and inside, there were hundreds of letters from Therese. I must have read those, and keep them in the attic. They were also all stained with tears but forgotten the next day. All of the pain and grieves rushed into my heart. I was not a psychopath, just a miserable weak man who tried to conceal all of my feelings not to get hurt myself. All of my feelings were buried deep inside my heart, so every time the dirt covering my inner feelings was removed, I became an impulsive person full of anger. I picked up the pencil and paper and began to write something:

‘Dear Therese,

This is me, Tim. You would be astonished to get this letter but, I am writing this before my memory is gone. I read your letter and now my memory came back. I know it will just be a temporary memory, I really wanted to say something that I have been keep hiding and have not told you. I’ve never mean those things when I left you, you’d know that. I was just trying to protect you however the life, now I am living without you, is just like an entire despair. I really loved you and I realize that I still love you the same. I have one wish, and I hope you would promise me to keep it. I hope you won’t come to see me again nor send me your letters. That is my only wish. I hope you would live happier without me, cause you deserve better. I may be look like a selfish cruel old man, but please forget me like I forget every morning. I will also live well so don’t worry about me, I am a tough brave man, you know that. My heart sincerely believes that when we are meant to be together, heaven will make me remember you again and make us meet and love again. I have no doubt, so until then, I hope you would erase me in your life and start your own new exciting life..!!! Well.. I must go now..

Hey, Theresa, you know what?

You are my new dream, too.

Love, Tim’

 I wiped my tears running down my rough skin, and lay in bed wanting to catch this memories and feelings and keep them until tomorrow. I knew it would disappear soon but without any worries, I closed my eyes with a happy smile.

“Pretty sad story, isn’t it?”

 

.

.

.

.

“Yes….so sad.. But!! Grandfather, how can you remember those right now?? Can you remember all the things?”

“oh… I am constantly taking the peels so sometimes I can remember the old days so vividly that I could touch them.”

“Hmmm that’s a relief, but what happened to Therese, grandfather?”

“Haha, Jacob.. enough questions, go to bed and get some sleep. you have to go to school tomorrow.”

“yes… but, I want to hear more of your stories..”

“I’ll tell you next time. Jacob, the most important thing is that you would one day find out that the every second you are in, is valuable. It is so precious to feel each happiness in your every moment.. Well, Sleep tight, sweetheart!!”.

“Goodnight, grandfather!” Jacob kissed my left chick and went to his own bed.

I strolled toward the couch and watched the empty desk, sitting in the couch with no thoughts. One other ant climbed up the desk, heading to my fingers. I could feel such delicate tremor that I’ve never felt before deep inside my heart. I carefully put the ant in the paper and placed it in outside hoping it will go where it wanted to go, and meet someone who it wanted to meet. ‘Every moment is full of treasures, but the thing is, when we don’t recognize it is a treasure, it’s just a bunch of trash’ I thought and sipped a cup of coffee. What's important is not how much we can remember the moments but is how much we can truly be melted at the moments and enjoy the very second....

 

Don't you think??

 

   From the very moment I was walking on dark-hided street, smelling like piles of garbages of fish' I could see some features shivering with tears and doing something. I felt  afraid, but cautiously moved my feet toward them. It liiked they were crouching near the trash cans. I suddenly felt betterflies on my stomach and not knowing that I was also shivering, finally I came infront of the creature. With my cold gifid hand, I hesitately found my flashlight in my pocket. As soon as I was trying to lit the light, one woman shouted "Boys!!! Time for dinner!". Two boys suddenly jumped out with lots of dusts in their hands. Relieved, I continued walking, going deeper and deeper through the dark. Now I regret it. 'Damn, my betterflies are moving crazy in my stomach.; What they were eating weemed to be awesome. It reminded me of Michelin restaurant I've went yesterday. But, the more I approached to their meal, I could do nothing but vomit a bit.I felt so weak. I needed help. Luckly, there was hospitaljust 5 meters away. I walked in, and old manwas sitting at the center. Please..... My stomach hurt so much... But he replied "Get out. It's closed." "But sir.... Please give me at least some sort of treatment..." "None of my business. Shoo!". So here I am, painfully wrinching my stomach, desperatly needing help, shivering on the road. My situation reminded me of the two boys earlier. It feels so lonely and isolated in this society. I need someone to lean on. But there was a stray cat. It looked at me with its glowing tabby eyes, and then walked to a narrow alley with its tail in the air, and runs into dark-hided street. At themoment, I just followed the cat. Without any consiousness, bewareness, but I chased the cat like a gashhawk. Then, I realized I was in the middle as the street. But there was nothing on it. It was dark, gloomy, with some trashes.
Then I woke up. It was a dream.

                                              Episode 4: "Carlos doesn't remember"

In the podcast “Carlos doesn’t remember”, it shows our depressing education system and reality. It tosses several vital questions on why the students who are really smart cannot be developed more than their present  situations. Gladwell brings the concept of ‘capitalization’ to explain our society’s situation.

 As he explained about Carlos’ tragic environment, I wondered what is to be a privileged person. I believe to be a privileged person or born in a poor family is not about individual situations nor luck. I think it is a natural cruel cycle that every society has to try to solve the problems through it. Even though Carlos had tremendous talents, he couldn’t go where he could and really wanted to go because he had to take care of his sister and his mother forced him not to go.

Actually, when I was in middle school, since I lived in a rural area, I could observe many tragic situations such as Carlos, but I thought my friends’ situations were worse, nor because of the financial problems, but they were just losing hope and don’t know that they have the superb potential deep inside them. I tried to persuade them to develop themselves and open a larger door for new opportunities, however they were just thoughtless on how smart there were. They were just thinking about how to earn more money and how they can support their families. While talking with them, it was a disaster. The thing that I got shocked the most about was that their parents were being proud and abetting their children to close the door which can lead them to unbelievable, unreachable opportunities. I could see  Carlos inside them, and I felt aghast when I wondered how many students who are really smart but can’t fully spread their wings of opportunity. A student like Carlos in Korea, it’ll be the same but may be worse. There are lots of smart and talented students in the world and just medium high class students, but what I see in Korea, the ones who are really smart are vanishing with lack of hope but the others are being more supported because they can achieve better and more sophisticated education through money. I think education has an endless about of magic that can alter mostly everything in the society, but the societies that aren’t affording and supporting on those superb students seemed unfair and wasteful.

As Malcom Gladwell states at his podcast, I believe capitalization force is really important in the society and I think it increases exponentially when it comes to the students like Carlos getting full support. Our present society is still too dark to brighten the students’ potentials which are also related to the society’s potential. Especially in Korea, what I really got shocked was that the difference of amount in education between the rich and the poor is tremendous. In middle school, I have almost never been to private academies because nobody was going, but when I came to high school, all students were attending private academies all weekends, bit the differences were larger than I thought it would be. The financial burden kept increasing, even though I knew my parents can’t afford me lots of academies costs much, they kept sending me because everyone who are placed in upper class(of money) were going private.

I think Korea has more severe problem on capitalization and tragic fundamental problems on education.

            My thoughts after listening to episode 3: The big man can't shoot

 

All people live together, interact each other and influence as they communicate. Every people live in their individual lives and as time goes they become more ignorant to each other.

However, we should look at our inner conscience which differs when we are with other people.

When I was in middle school, I was passing the severe times thinking that everyone is looking at me. I was a very energetic and bright student who wants to make other people laugh a lot, but one time , one friend of mine told me that “you look so funny when you sprinkle your nose and laugh.”. I just laughed with my friend’s word, but then I went to the restroom, standing in front of the window and made a smiley face. When I looked at my face, it was so ugly and I could barely look at my face. After that time, I had an extreme horror in my mind of watching at all kinds of materials that can reflects my face and also I really hated to take a picture and see my face. When I had to go to the supermarket, I often wore a mask and those kinds of acts slowly changed my personality. The person who always laughed a lot and often get scolded by the teachers, became very quiet and a passive person. One time, the way my mom and I was heading to the hospital, we were waiting for the elevator. Especially, that day my mom was staring at my face for a long time with a strange face, so I asked why she was looking at my face so closely. She answered, “ I thought your nose was a little higher than now, and why are your eyes too small. It will be fine when you grow and get some slight surgeries. haha “. I was angry so angry that I didn’t recognize that I felt the deep anger in my heart, but meanwhile I was embarrassed and hurt by her single words. From those scars, I began to think what other people look and think of me and I used to try to fit inside them just following what they are saying. Now, I overcame those kinds of wounded scars however, sometimes those memories evoke me and give me fear. I believe not only for my previous cases, most of the people would have the memories that they should consider others than keeping what they really feel and want. Also in the revisionist history podcast, although the basket players could gain more scores by throwing underhand, because of the peer pressure that they feel from the other people’s sight, they didn’t choose to use the method. Then, in our daily lives, what gives us the power or courage to overcome the peer pressure? In the podcast, Malcom Gladwell suggests the concept of the threshold of each people.

In my very own personal thoughts, I think overcoming the peer pressure depends on each individual’s mind not on the surroundings. I think it is important to consider the priority of their own actions and they always check and compare the costs between their own personal acts that they want to take and the amount of pressure they feel from others. If the person considers about how people think about him or herself, the person can never overcome the peer pressure.

Eventually, the guts and bravery to do what they really want advent from the subtle change and movement of their minds. In my case, just telling myself that I am a valuable person no matter others say actually helped me a lot to think like that and it changed my mind. Those change of mind led to the changes of my actions, personality and inner confidence.  The fear and the potentials to get over and to break the walls coexist inside every people, however to overcome it or just to follow what other says depends on each effort to alter their minds.