metafiction: The Beauty of living

                                

 I am a psychopath. I can’t feel a thing, can’t remember a thing after I got a car accident. When I wake up in the morning, I can’t remember what happened at the previous day. I am also a quite impulsive person who hate interacting with other people than myself. My favorite time is when I am alone in my house, dark, listening to rain drops, thinking how pathetic and miserable my life is. That is me, a pathetic old man Tim Barry.

Today, as always, I wake up with raging agony. Every time I look at my face, reflected in the fogged mirror, there’s a deep sorrow between those wrinkles in my forehead. My house, my old best friend, is full of shadowed grief within gray silence. No one finds us, wants us, knows our existence. ‘It’s just you and me, there’s no one else. That’s what I’ve always wanted…nothing else..!!’. I really like the dead silence which warms and comforts my mind. After I had the accident, I was thrown alone in this colossal confusing world with overflowing horror. Each day, I spent each second with a penetrating fear. Every people who passed near me were all new faces, not knowing where to go, I wondered and wandered. Every night was filled with my bursting tears. But, on one day, the burning tears stopped, such heartaches disappeared carrying all of my emotions. I got used to be stuck in loneliness, getting no fear to other creatures, the people, such annoying creatures.

“Knock, knock…!!!! Is someone there?”

‘Uhh….it must be the mail man again’ I thought.

“Just live the mail in front of the door!!!”.

“No, I am looking for Mr. Barry. There’s something important to give to Mr. Barry. I also have some questions for him.”

“I am the one who you are looking for and I’m busy right now. Come again next time..”

“Then!! Please just let me give this to you.” Her trembling voices showed how desperate she was. I opened the door unwillingly with an obtrusive frown in my forehead. “What!!!” I said. The women was standing in front of the door with a sweet smile, looked very excited to meet me. She seemed to be knowing me, but since the accident, I couldn’t remember a thing. She suddenly handed me a shabby letter, hugged me with tears and then left with the word ”I am so glad you are living well Tim. I am sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I had to see you. Bye”. I was stunned and closed the door, sitting in the chair. An ant climbed up the desk wandering busy, just like if it was looking for someone. I killed him slowly with my fingertips. Even though I was looking at the ant struggling with pain, I couldn’t feel any sorrow nor sympathy. I was proud of myself not feeling anything. I used to check myself, my present condition by killing the ants. Since I checked myself that I am normal, I decided to open the letter and read it just for curiosity then throw it away. The letter started like this:

‘Dear Tim,

This is Therese. Therese from Deep Cove, that little town with Cherry blossoms and apple trees if you remember. That town where nothing happens, and nothing really changes. I hear you were faring quite well in the city, almost too well- your mama was worried that you might never come back. I know that you might not remember me. If I were to tell you one thing about me, something to renew the colors in your memory, we had fond memories here and there.’

‘Wait, Why am I reading this…I don’t even know who Therese is and I don’t care who she is…’ I closed the letter and tried to get rid of it. But, the very moment I was going to toss it, the slight image of the women who gave this letter flashed in my eyes, evoking my feelings. I was disgusted by the feeling. I put myself in the box echoing 'be emotionless, be emotionless, be emotionless....'.

 

I reopened the shitty letter and continued reading.

‘Remember? You sneaked me, Jack and Casey out to the city once, to watch that motion picture in town. I still remember the dazzling city lights, cars whooshing by, and girls and boys in absolutely stunning dresses and suits walking hand in hand. And that sound of trumpets rising to a crescendo, and the beats of the drums marching with elegance and gravity as the lights went down- these things I will never forget. I swear with all my heart, that I have never forgotten that day. I dare did not. That day seemed to have taken complete hold of me with all its sheer brilliance and beauty. Even now, as I'm writing this to you I can see the glittering lights.’

My head started to become dizzy, feeling weird. I kept reading:

‘I'm on the train to get to the city. I couldn't help myself. I just had to write this letter to you, again…. Out of the window, I see these beautiful butterflies we used to catch up the hills. I smell the breezes that we used to smell lying in the grasses, eating cherries. I can see the memories and the promises we swore to keep. Last December, do you remember?
My life doesn't have any sparkles you breathed into my life. I can't inhale it anymore, no more than the lingering that you left inside me. I question every day: why is my life no longer sweet and cheerful without you? Perhaps the town life is too static and unchanging for me. Perhaps I'm too exhausted to wait for inspiration and dreams. Perhaps, I miss you too much than I can bear. I couldn’t understand why you left me but I know now. You didn’t want to hurt me but guess what? I still really love you and I won’t stop trying to make you remember. As I promised I will never leave you and every day I will always give you my letters to make you remember cause you are my new dream. I will come again tomorrow. With lots of love, Therese.’

 The letter I was reading was already all wet by my bursting tears. My heart was ripping with unbearable pain. The every moment, every second I had, passed through my head making me scream from sufferings. I remembered all the beautiful moments that I had with her, the moment we were holding hands promising each pink(bright) futures. I suddenly stood up and ran to the attic with tears, finding a box. I found the box and inside, there were hundreds of letters from Therese. I must have read those, and keep them in the attic. They were also all stained with tears but forgotten the next day. All of the pain and grieves rushed into my heart. I was not a psychopath, just a miserable weak man who tried to conceal all of my feelings not to get hurt myself. All of my feelings were buried deep inside my heart, so every time the dirt covering my inner feelings was removed, I became an impulsive person full of anger. I picked up the pencil and paper and began to write something:

‘Dear Therese,

This is me, Tim. You would be astonished to get this letter but, I am writing this before my memory is gone. I read your letter and now my memory came back. I know it will just be a temporary memory, I really wanted to say something that I have been keep hiding and have not told you. I’ve never mean those things when I left you, you’d know that. I was just trying to protect you however the life, now I am living without you, is just like an entire despair. I really loved you and I realize that I still love you the same. I have one wish, and I hope you would promise me to keep it. I hope you won’t come to see me again nor send me your letters. That is my only wish. I hope you would live happier without me, cause you deserve better. I may be look like a selfish cruel old man, but please forget me like I forget every morning. I will also live well so don’t worry about me, I am a tough brave man, you know that. My heart sincerely believes that when we are meant to be together, heaven will make me remember you again and make us meet and love again. I have no doubt, so until then, I hope you would erase me in your life and start your own new exciting life..!!! Well.. I must go now..

Hey, Theresa, you know what?

You are my new dream, too.

Love, Tim’

 I wiped my tears running down my rough skin, and lay in bed wanting to catch this memories and feelings and keep them until tomorrow. I knew it would disappear soon but without any worries, I closed my eyes with a happy smile.

“Pretty sad story, isn’t it?”

 

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.

.

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“Yes….so sad.. But!! Grandfather, how can you remember those right now?? Can you remember all the things?”

“oh… I am constantly taking the peels so sometimes I can remember the old days so vividly that I could touch them.”

“Hmmm that’s a relief, but what happened to Therese, grandfather?”

“Haha, Jacob.. enough questions, go to bed and get some sleep. you have to go to school tomorrow.”

“yes… but, I want to hear more of your stories..”

“I’ll tell you next time. Jacob, the most important thing is that you would one day find out that the every second you are in, is valuable. It is so precious to feel each happiness in your every moment.. Well, Sleep tight, sweetheart!!”.

“Goodnight, grandfather!” Jacob kissed my left chick and went to his own bed.

I strolled toward the couch and watched the empty desk, sitting in the couch with no thoughts. One other ant climbed up the desk, heading to my fingers. I could feel such delicate tremor that I’ve never felt before deep inside my heart. I carefully put the ant in the paper and placed it in outside hoping it will go where it wanted to go, and meet someone who it wanted to meet. ‘Every moment is full of treasures, but the thing is, when we don’t recognize it is a treasure, it’s just a bunch of trash’ I thought and sipped a cup of coffee. What's important is not how much we can remember the moments but is how much we can truly be melted at the moments and enjoy the very second....

 

Don't you think??